Seminars of Evilness
by BloodyDice
Summary: After their latest defeat, a demented Voldemort attends seminars of evilness with Wormtail to improve what he thinks he is losing. Will these sessions finally enable him to rid of Harry Potter? Only the evil seminar host can help!
1. Appointment Made

_I do not own Harry Potter or Winnie-the-Pooh._

An angry, high-pitched voice pierced the peaceful night air.  
  
"Foiled again by that Potter boy! Am I losing it, Wormtail?" Voldemort asked his servant.  
  
"Of- of course not, My Lord." Wormtail replied shakily. "But there is an evil seminar that  
  
could help." he added with risk.  
  
Interest mixed with curiosity was heard in The Dark Lord's voice. "Really? Well then, make  
  
an appointment for me. I'm busy painting Pooh's portrait right now."   
  
Wormtail hesitated. Ever since their previous failure during Potter's fifth year, his Master had  
  
become edgy and well, a little crazy.  
  
"What are you waiting for, you fool? GO!" Voldemort threw his paintbrush at Wormtail.  
  
His frightened servant sped off.  
  
"I'm sorry Pooh, Wormtail is just stupid." Voldemort apologized to his stuffed bear. Dipping  
  
another paintbrush into some red paint, He resumed painting. "Oh, you're going to look great!   
  
Red suits you."  
  
Wormtail returned holding a hot pink cell phone in his hand.  
  
"I made an appointment for you, next Saturday." His minion reported.  
  
"Saturday? You think I don't have a life?" You-Know-Who questioned in a cold tone.  
  
Ignoring his servant's stutters of apology, Voldemort pointed to the cell phone.  
  
Guessing his Master's question, Wormtail explained, " I stole this from a Muggle teen. It was  
  
pretty easy. She was talking on and on, didn't even notice me sneaking up on her. I killed her  
  
after, of course."  
  
"Give it to me." Voldemort reached a thin, pale arm for the Muggle device.  
  
Examinig the hot pink plastic, Voldemort nodded in approval. "I like this color!"  
  
If this were an anime fic, Wormtail would've sweat-dropped.  
  
"So... who's head of the seminar?" You-Know-Who asked.  
  
"Satan." was the casual reply.  
  
"That wimp? He's always being pushed over by God. I swear, once I get to Hell, I'm going  
  
to whip that place into shape!" Voldemort seethed. "Do you really think this seminar thing is going to help me?"  
  
Wormtail shrugged. Ever since his Master's defeat, he was a little braver in conversation with   
  
Him.  
  
Voldemort twirled his wand in his fingers. "It had better be, for your sake." The bright orange   
  
feathers at the tip of His wand shook.  
  
Wormtail gulped. Crazy or not, The Dark Lord was still merciless.  
  
His Master yawned. "I'm tired now. Turn on the night light before you go."  
  
Wormtail obeyed his Lord's commands. Going into another room to sleep, Wormtail imagined  
  
what Satan would be like. He had better get on the Prince of Darkness's good side, seeing as  
  
how he'd probably enter his kingdom when he dies.


	2. Nightmare

_I do not own Harry Potter. I don't own Voldemort in particular, because if I did, the  
world have no hot pink cell phones. . Oh, I don't own Pepto Bismol or its song either._

(O)

"AHHHH!" Voldemort's scream brought Wormtail running to him reluctantly.   
  
"What is it, my Lord?" asked Wormtail, thinking that his Master saw a roach or something.  
  
"I had a horrible dream! I was playing Quidditch with Harry Potter and I lost!" You-Know-  
Who cried. "I never lose at Quidditch!" He shook his fist at the ceiling. "I'll get you, Potter!"  
  
"Calm down, Master." Wormtail comforted the panicky villain. "I'll go make you some  
hot chocolate and you'll feel better."  
  
While Wormtail was at the Riddle kitchen, Voldemort began fooling with his new cell phone.  
  
Bored, he pressed random pale rose-colored buttons. To his surprise, an electronic version   
of the "Titanic" theme began playing.   
  
A male voice started talking. "Hey, Becky, what's up?"  
  
"Who is this?" Voldemort demanded.  
  
The voice became agitated. "You're the one calling me! You should tell me who you are!"  
  
"I am the Dark Lord," Voldemort stated proudly.  
  
"Well, that's a stupid name." Becky's boyfriend commented. "So why are you calling from   
  
my girlfriend's cell phone?"  
  
"THAT IS AN INGENIOUS NAME. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ANYWAY, YOU  
FOOLISH MUGGLE?!" He shouted furiously.  
  
You-Know-Who's lips curled cruelly into a smirk. "And why I'm calling from Becky's cell   
phone...now THAT's a stupid name... is none of your business. Good-bye."  
  
"Wait! Don't you hang up on me-"  
  
Voldemort hung up just in time to drink his hot chocolate.  
  
"Isn't tomorrow time for my seminar?" He asked Wormtail while giving him His  
empty mug.  
  
"Yes it is. Would you like some Pepto Bismol?" Wormtail took the mug and started down the  
hallway.  
  
''Sure, give me a liter. I think the hot chocolate is going to give me diarrhea..."  
  
Wormtail shuddered at the thought of wiping his Master's diarrhea-covered behind. 'I think I'll   
add an extra half-liter - just in case.'   
  
Wormtail hummed the commercial jingle for Pepto Bismol as he walked into the kichen to   
fufill his Master's wishes.  
  
"...Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea... Yay, Pepto Bismol!" 


	3. Shopping

**Much thanks for the reviews. Crazy Voldemort is fun to write about.**

**Fanasy**

_Disclaimer: Harry Potter no belong to me. :(_

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Voldemort woke up to the ringing of his Hello Kitty alarm clock.  
  
'Gollygeewillikers! I must get ready for the evil seminar!'

He hissed to his pet snake to make her slither off his bed. Nadir was like his  
guardian at night. She was extremely useful for scaring off the boogey-man.

Wormtail came in with Gerber Baby food, The Dark Lord's recent breafast  
favorite. "My Lord, would you like the baby carrots or the string beans?"  
  
"Ummm... I'll have the baby carrots. After this we pick out my outfit for  
the seminar. Something evil-looking to impress the other villains..."  
  
Voldemort took a spork and started scooping up orange mush. "This   
smells so appetizing! Those lucky Muggle babies. I hate them."  
  
Wormtail nibbled on a handful of old cheese. He really wished  
that his Master realized that just because he could turn into a rat did not mean  
that he ate only rat food.  
  
After His meal was finished, the Dark Lord's tone became serious. "Worm-  
tail... we are going shopping."  
  
"M-Master! We can't go into Diagon Alley! They'll recognize us there.!"  
  
"I realize that, you idiot. We will travel to a place no one would think of   
looking for us. The Pacific Mall of Ontario, Canada!"  
  
Voldemort conjured a golden silk robe and then a headress that  
covered most of his face. "I am the Emperor of China! Now I'll fit in with  
all of the Asians at the mall!"  
  
Wormtail opened his mouth to tell You-Know-Who that no one dresses   
like that anymore, but then he remembered the wand with the orange feathers.   
  
The disguised villain strolled through the mall, unaware of the many  
stares his golden robe was drawing. Wormtail hid in his pocket as a rat. The  
Dark Lord first went into a store that he thought looked quite evil. A young  
teen with black lipstick and nails scoffed at the sight of this moronic foreigner.  
  
"Scram, puny Muggle!"

The kid gave him the middle finger in response.  
  
Choosing to ignore the bratty teen's gesture, Voldemort's gaze searched the   
store. (A/N: Maybe he has some common sense after all!)  
  
Punk rock music, which sounded like trash cans exploding to You-Know-Who,  
roared fiercely throughout the store. In addition to His distaste, a pink bunny on  
a t-shirt was mocking him. "Hahahaha!" the bunny laughed but only He could  
hear it.  
  
"I am getting out of here!" Voldemort muttered as He pushed aside the same punk  
kid who gave him the middle finger.  
  
"Watch it, Pops!" the kid shouted after the man clad in out-dated robes.  
  
The Dark Lord entered a funny-smelling store with all sorts of Oriental  
antiques and clothing. A short man with a wide smiling face greeted Him as silkily as   
any experienced seller specializing in shady products would.  
  
"Sir, you look like you have fine taste!" the salesman drawled like syrup. His lying  
was so skilled that even Voldemort could not tell that he was lying.  
  
"I'm trying to look my best for an important seminar. I have to look as evil and   
threatening as I can," The Dark Lord informed the small man.  
  
The salesman pretended to look thoughtful and measured Voldemort's height and  
limbs. "I have just the suit for you!" he declared triumphtantly.  
  
Voldemort cried in glee as he looked at his reflection in a bamboo mirror. He was  
wearing something that looked like Elvis's suit had thrown up. Wormtail felt like  
throwing up himself when he saw the suit from underneath the pile of golden robes.  
  
The color was a puke green that looked 3-D with deep purple splotches. It was   
something that would've made fashion-concious Lucius Malfoy faint if he saw his   
Master wearing it.   
  
"That'll be 600 Canadian dollars, Sir. Might I add, you look extremely handsome!"  
"I do look delicious, don't I?" You-Know-Who admired himself in the mirror for  
the 31st time. He did not bring Muggle money, so he just gave the salesman 2 Galleons.  
  
The salesman's eyes lit up with greed when he saw as two pieces of gold. "This'll do,"  
he quickly agreed.   
  
Voldemort left the mall with his amused but sickened servant. "To the seminar, Wormtail!"

==============================================================

_They're finally going to the seminar! I bet you were tired of wating.  
  
I wonder who the host of the seminar will be or where it's located? And would it really  
help Voldemort? Or would it just make him crazier?_


	4. Surprise Speaker Revealed

Chapter 4: Surprise Speaker Revealed

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. Marietta belongs to Laine.

============================================================

He and His servant stood beside Niagra Falls, soaked and irritated.  
"I've always hated waterfalls. Why couldn't they have made this a volcano instead?" The Dark Lord grumbled as he took out a leather bag. Inside was Dark Floo Powder, the color of blood if it were ashes. He took a handful and threw them against the dull rocks.  
  
"HELL!" he shouted as the crinsom flames roared, unaffected by the rushing water pouring down. Wormtail stepped in behind him.  
  
He immediately wished they were back at Niagra Falls. He and his Master came out of a burning fireplace. Thousands of souls before them moaned like cattle as a hairy demon prodded them elsewhere.  
  
The pair, one in an Elvis reject outfit and the other in shabby black robes, walked to the deck clerk. The clerk was a young blonde demon, probab-  
ly no older then 500 years. She stared blankly at the pair while twirling her hair.  
  
"Umm... like, purpose of visit?" she asked.  
  
"To attend the seminar of evilness," stated Voldemort with a superior aura of proffesionalism. He loved to better at things than others, even if it was being a mere clerk of Satan's.  
  
"You have to like, go that way," she pointed vaguely to the right. "And if you can't fnd it there, then like, go the other way. Wait, no." Her face scrunched with effort.  
"Don't you have like, a compass or something?" she asked.  
  
"How dare you accuse me of using such Muggle devices! I am Lord Voldemort,  
I spit on that trash!"  
  
"But Master, what about your hot pink cell-"  
  
"SHUT-UP!"  
  
"Oh well, too bad. Whatever." The clerk shrugged, then went back to reading her "Vain Demoness" magazine.  
  
A beautiful, pale brunette in the same clerk uniform passed them by. Voldemort tried his luck with her.  
  
"Tell me where the Seminar of Evilness is!" You-Know-Who demanded.  
  
"Such rudeness! How about I-" She turned around.  
  
"Oh, if it isn't the Dark Lord and his pathetic SLAVE." the girl sneered, glaring at Wormtail, who could only step back in fear.  
  
"We know who WE are. Kindly introduce us as to who you are, but first tell us where the Seminar of Evilness is." Voldemort's patience was wearing thin.  
  
"Go past the Nazi Torture Chamber and turn left at the Barney-Worshipper Pit. There are two brass doors decorated with skeletons. Go through those and you'll be there.  
Can't miss it." She replied. "Oh yea, I'm Marietta. 2,000-year-old vampire."  
  
Marietta bared her sharp fangs at Wormtail. "I'll see you later, traitor." The spawn of Satan walked away.  
  
(A/N: Marietta will appear in our other Harry Potter fanfictions. Try to spot her in Two Precious Stones and also, Past of the Evans Sisters. She's the main character in Cold Blood & Kisses).  
  
Voldemort went to find the doors while mentally scolding himself for having to ask directions. Wormtail followed his Master while keeping an eye on the many horrible torture specialties that the Devil thought up, no doubt with some of Marietta's help.  
  
Behind the brass doors revealed hundreds of villains who have all, apparently, lost it too. Dracula was chewing on a piece of garlic and shuddering at the same time. Politicians and lawyers were playing a game of Go-Fish with Pokemon cards. The Teletubbies were dancing around Bigfoot, who had a bear-trap clamped on his foot.  
  
The pair took seats in the front. Lucifer was on stage, trying to fix the microphone.  
  
"Hello? Testing, testing, one-two-three." Lucifer's fiery rumble caught the attention of the villains.  
  
"Greetings, fellow evil-doers." Lucifer's proud voice sounded like a father's. "When I heard of the troubles you were going through, I HAD to do something. I AM the source of all evil, it is my obligation."  
  
A roar of applause came from the evil crowd.  
  
"Please welcome the speaker. He is well experienced in public speaking. When he heard of your troubles, he wanted to help keep the balance between good and evil.  
May I introduce; Mr. Rogers!"  
  
An elderly man with a head of white hair and a baby blue sweater met the second applause of the crowd. He was smiling, though Wormtail could tell that he was slightly afraid.

================================================================

What a surprise, eh? If any of you do not know who Mr. Rogers is, he was the star of a children's show called "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood." Sadly, he passed away earlier this year (or was it last year?). I used to watch his show when I was little and I miss his mild-mannered persona.  
  
More will be explained in the next chapter.  
  
Almost 700 words! I'm so proud. :) 


End file.
